Eurovision Night

This is the amazing "Mood-O-Stat (TM)" charting my mood throughout the entire Eurovision Song Contest Last Night! I realise that the captions aren't particularly clear (sorry) but it's a good job I was going to explain the chart anyway, point by point (well, even if some of them are brief)! Oh, and I've tried to put them in a reasonable order, but I couldn't remember when some acts actually went on stage....

1.) Start: Okay, it's starting, Terry Wogan is in the hotseat again, everything looks to be another three or so hours of stupidity and laughter at some of the genuinely outrageous acts.

2.) Hosts: Best-dressed woman in Serbia? No offence to the poor woman but none of her dresses were up to a particularly high standard (there were about six dress changes - none of them were very attractive or appealing. At least not to me). Oh, and she had the most annoying voice ever.

3.) UK: Had to go second, which could be bad, could be good. Anyway, Andy Abrahams was a million times better than some of the rubbish that the UK has produced in recent years. Great job for an ex-binman.

4.) Turkey: My favourite act of the night. They were amazing! Tuneful, obviously had some passion in them and sang in Turkish. It's always a bonus when you don't have a clue what they're singing. That way, if the lyrics are pretty rubbish, you don't have to worry about it and can just concentrate on the song. Top marks!

5.) Latvia: I knew it. Someone was bound to bring out some awful pirate-based song eventually. This year, the Latvians did it. Dressed as buccaneers, out of tune... and it went on longer than any other song (or maybe that was just because it was so dire)....

6.) Ukraine: She wasn't half bad, really. Like Madonna but from, er, Ukraine. Not amazing but we agreed that it might end up somewhere, being the type of song that it was. People like those type of songs.

7.) Russia: Well, as soon as we saw this act we knew that it was going to at least be in the top three. That said, the song was pretty bad. The man singing it was sometimes out of tune and the song was generally just insipid. Perhaps it was the introduction of Andriy Plushenko, the ex-six-time-world-champion-ice-skater, on roller-blades that got the votes....

8.) End: Actually, it was a good laugh. But then, there were some awful songs. Ah well, on to the voting.

9.) Turkey Leads: Yes, come on Turkey! Show them that you really were the best song of the night!

10.) Greece Leads: Well, she wasn't that bad. Like a Greek Britney Spears. Certainly looked like her. Definitely a more deserving winner than some of the other entries.

11.) UK Gets Points: Ireland, what did you expect? Could always count on them for something. He really didn't deserve to get NO points!

12.) Russia Leads: Oh... dear. There were a lot of happy scenes in the Russian camp. Maybe it was rigged... Or maybe this it was just going to be another year where Bloc voting really takes hold.

13.) Turkey Drops Off: Somebody should have given them some points! Were they all blind? They were clearly the most... well, you know my feelings by now. But seriously, just a Top 10 place? This is an atrocity!

14.) Russia Extends Lead: No-one was going to catch them. Fifty points ahead. A gap that big can't be narrowed very easily anymore, unless something radical happened.

15.) Bosnia Gets Points: 12 points for Bosnia? I must have been living in a different world to everyone else. I know these certain 12 points were from their next-door neighbours but still... no-one must have any taste anymore.

16.) Russia Wins: Bloc voting never fails. There were worse songs, I'll give them that.

17.) UK Dead Last: Poor man. I feel sorry for him. It really was our best entry for years but alas, he didn't get anywhere.